Perhaps many of us can relate in one way or another that we felt “different” growing up. I know this expression is overused, but there is not a better way to describe what was going through my mind as I drew this picture. I felt “different“. I always had. I could never quite pin-point what it was about me that wasn’t fitting into the world I thought I knew.
There are many pieces to our identity and not all of them have the same amount of importance or impact on who we are, but all of them are important nonetheless.
Throughout life I would label myself a:
• Follower of Christ
• Athlete
• Sister
• Fitness enthusiast
• Student
All of the above were more comfortable attributes to accept as part of who I was. But not all of my identity markers were that easy to own. For me, my sexuality was a roller-coaster of a ride to both acknowledge and accept.
Our true identity as our own individual self is essentially a jigsaw puzzle. We might think we have an idea of where the pieces go and what the picture looks like…but what I am finding is this: as we grow into the person we are meant to be, sometimes the pieces fall in a fairly different image than originally expected.
Do you know the frustration of trying to put a puzzle together and you just CANNOT seem to find where a certain piece goes? You might spend hours trying to force it into a spot it doesn’t belong until you finally do one of two things:
1) you toss that piece aside to try to figure out something easier, or
2) you look at the whole image from a clear angle and get it in the right spot.
For a long time I took option 1 on the whole gay thing. It was too much to process. I didn’t like how it fit with the rest of the pieces. It made me feel uncomfortable. I did not understand it. So I tossed it aside for a very long time. But as I went through life assembling my puzzle, I began to see where that particular segment went. I could no longer ignore it. I suddenly saw this part of who I was very clearly and it was a terrifying, mystifying, yet astonishingly fulfilling moment of truth. It was a piece that had been missing for so long that it felt like a cold, refreshing drink of water to have this understanding of who I really was. Well, it actually felt like the dam I had built up around these emotions had finally broken and I was dumped into the deep and icy lake of reality, but you know what I mean.
Regardless, it felt RIGHT. It felt like truth. And it also felt like I was going to be sick.
But over time, this internal battle started to calm down. I slowly began to accept it…I was gay. In learning to accept and love a part of me that I always believed to be unlovable, I was allowed to more fully love other parts of myself as well; such as my tomboy characteristics (i.e. “masculine” clothing styles). There is something very beautiful about not only accepting who you are, but also learning to love who you are. Much of my life had been focused on learning to love others (a very important thing to learn!). However, we MUST also learn to love ourselves.
Learning to love, accept, and find out who you are may be a slow and ongoing process, but please embark on it. No matter how uncomfortable the journey, I assure you that it will feel good to place those dusty and forgotten pieces perfectly in place. Each day holds new opportunities that could allow you to find and place another puzzle piece. We are continuously exploring who we are and should never settle for less than the truth. Because the truth is, the real you is the most beautiful version of yourself.
What are YOUR missing puzzle pieces? Have you placed them where they belong?