When I found myself in the process of telling the people closest to me about my sexual identity as a gay person…I was scared as shit. I was afraid of losing my friends. I was afraid of losing my family. I was even afraid of myself. I was looking in the mirror for the first time with a clear view of who I was and it was wonderful…but holy crap, terrifying. How would I ever be able to share who I was with everyone who I grew up with as a “straight” person? How could they ever accept this reality? Could they ever love me like this? Could I ever love myself like this?
For several months I slept, walked, and lived with this literal knot in my stomach; a visceral response to my fear of who I was and how my world would react to it. I would lie awake at night crying out to God to take it all away…that I wanted to do and be what was right in His eyes. During this time, I found myself hearing very little back in reply besides these words, “Just trust me”. It wasn’t an easy road, but I eventually found myself responding back with a simple, “Ok, I trust you.”
As I embarked on this up and down mission to “just trust”, I actually had a very specific event that occurred later that year where that knot in my stomach went away. I don’t have time to give the whole story here, but what it came down to was a total surrender of my crippling fear, anger, and sadness towards those in my life that had raised me to hate this very real and integral part of who I was. I had to let go of those toxic emotions. And when I did, I had an instant response within my soul (physical and non-physical) that assured me that everything was going to be okay. I know it will sound hokey-pokey to some people, but in this moment I felt the very real sensation of Jesus embracing me…ALL of me.
Fear is a poison. It can become so easy to let fear creep into our mind and blind us from hope. It’s easy to worry. Worry that you might lose your family. Worry that you might lose a friend. Worry that you might die alone. Worry that you might lose your faith. Worry, worry, worry. We can create a state of mind where we believe that we have no value in the eyes of our loved ones or even our God.
But these fears are all a lie! I truly believe that to live abundantly, is to be free of our fears. You are enough. That is why you are breathing. I’m not saying that fear is irrational…I’m saying we should not allow a space in our mind for it to live. We need to reflect more often on all that we have:
- Your job (even if it’s not perfect)
- Your home (even if you’re sleeping on a friends couch right now)
- Your family (even if they have broken your heart more than once)
- Your friends (regardless of how many stuck with you)
- Your health (even if you have a cold right now)
- Your mind (because it is precious)
- Your faith (even if it’s been shaken)
Now don’t get me wrong…I still have an issue with fear in my life. But it no longer rules my life! I am battling it! Most days, I conquer! Some days, it’s got me in a head lock. But I never let it keep me down. We must cling to what is good in this life and breathe hope into our lungs so that we can breathe that same energy back into the dark atmosphere of those hurting around us.
“Just trust me.”