This Thing Called Feeling (Poem)

It didn’t take long for me to see that I wasn’t fitting in
To what our society’s gender norms have always been.
A small girl who didn’t seem to fit into the world
Of dresses, makeup, and long flowing curls…

I was always running around and playing sports,
Playing toy soldiers… and then sitting on the porch
Wondering what exactly was wrong with me.
Why was it that I couldn’t be what the other girls could be…

They were playing with dolls and going shopping,
Wearing their hair down, frolicking and hopping
From one hobby to another that I didn’t want anything to do with…
Should I start pretending to enjoy all this?

Well eventually that’s what I tried to do…
Put on a fake smile
And live in denial
Of the fact that I was indeed different.

But still many years were spent
Telling myself that my time would come
When it would finally feel alright to succumb
To the general norms of my fellow female.

But that time never came and time began to sail
Into the time when we all begin to lust
For something more for the ones around us…
But again…I seemed to be losing my sight…
Because I wasn’t feeling or seeing the same things as Mrs. Right.

Oh but still my time must come when I will finally fall in love
With some grand prince charming who comes down from above…
But the funny thing is…I didn’t want that at all…
Then finally my walls I had built up around my heart began to fall.

And that’s when this new chapter of my life
Came to unfold
and stir up the strife
That I had been trying to hold back for so long.
I guess I must not be all that strong…
Because there seemed to be nothing I could do or pretend to be…
To forever hold back the real me.

This all seems so bitter sweet.
It’s amazing to finally feel a heart beat.
But it’s not so pleasant to know that it’ll never be ok
To be myself and let these feelings stay.
And that’s why I fear I should have never opened up my heart,
And let this thing called feeling start.