Sorry again for taking so long to work up another blog post. Every time I wanted to sit down and write, I just didn’t have it in me. I guess you could say the last few months knocked the creative wind out of me. You see…I got engaged! 😀 I know. Exciting right?? I am overjoyed to be marrying my best friend! Unfortunately there is more to the story. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and reactions to our engagement and it’s been exhausting.
It wasn’t a surprise to be getting engaged this year. I knew that was coming around the corner pretty soon. I thought I had prepared myself well enough for the negativity that would surround the announcement, but as it turns out…that’s not as possible as I thought it was. I feel like I’ve been run over by a tractor trailer a few times. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of happiness, excitement, and joyful tears regarding this! Those are the people in my life I am most thankful for…I couldn’t have come this far without them. But it doesn’t keep the pain away when brothers and sisters tell you they won’t be at the wedding. It doesn’t keep the pain away when a best friend turns down an invitation to be a part of your bridal party. It doesn’t keep the pain away to know that hardly any of your immediate family or childhood friends will be there for you on this particular journey. And all because you are gay.
Some of the worst statements I’ve read/heard the last few months in regards to my engagement:
- “I’m heartbroken.”
- “From the moment I met you I felt like God had a special plan for your life…Satan also has a plan, a plan to destroy our lives and unfortunately that’s what’s happening to yours.”
- “How about just crossing us off your mailing list for this event….which, in all honesty, we’ll be praying won’t occur.”
- “If I went I would have to make an objection…”
It’s amazing the impact that words can have on you…especially when coming from the mouths of people you truly love. I didn’t argue with hardly anyone. I saw these reactions coming and wasn’t about to believe I could change all the beliefs they’ve had instilled in them with one conversation (mainly because I’ve already had several conversations on this topic with some of them and none of it seemed to sink in). But there was one argument I did get into which lead to me stating the reality of how hurt I felt about what they were saying, and how frustrating I felt with how little they had tried to get to know me or my fiancée the last several years.
And then this statement came out of their mouth: “Stop playing a victim.”
I’ve decided this statement is one of the most frustrating and belittling statements I have ever heard in my life. The main reason for my frustration is that I’ve heard this statement (or similar ones to it) used to invalidate a person’s pain or struggles way too many times. And it’s often said in the most desperate of times for that individual or community (be it depression, sadness, or pain over any number of things).It’s something that LGBT folk hear all the time. I’ve heard this statement more than once over the last few years when I tried to express to someone the fear I felt in my coming out journey or the pain I felt from the lack of support from loved ones. It’s hard to portray how awful it is to hear something like that when you are in a lot of pain.
But let’s have a real talk. Have you ever considered why people would choose to distort your openness with them as a “victim playing saga”? Let me tell you one really big possibility…
You just made them uncomfortable as fuck.
Your openness has the ability to shatter people’s preconceived ideas about who you are. And that scares the living daylight out of people to feel that first crack. Sometimes, people will do, say, or believe anything to keep them from diving deep into their own heart for the truth, because they are afraid of the possibility of being wrong. It could mean totally re-shaping the way they see humanity and that’s a big deal.
I am not making an excuse for these people. But I do believe it is helpful to understand where sudden and sharp statements like this could be originating from.
I do have a few words for anyone out there who has accused someone of being a fake victim…especially for those out there who have said this to a gay friend, brother, sister, son, or daughter. When a person opens up to you about things that they are going through it is very possible that they have some amount of trust in you…they see you as someone they can speak to about these things and it is very possible that they are incredibly hopeful that you will be with them as they find or continue to find ways to heal their wounds. It is very possible that they have spent too many sleepless nights, cried too many tears, and felt a nearly unbearable pain as they wondered if they were alone. This is a pinnacle moment between you and this individual. What you do or say next, can and will leave a lasting impression on their soul.
So if you choose to completely run them over by saying they are a fake, that their pain is all in their head, and that they need to stop playing the victim…you just lost them. And you might never regain that trust. Or worse, you may have just pushed them back down into the cave of despair they had been working so hard to climb out of. Do you seriously think that saying something like this is going help that person out? Is saying such a thing life-giving in any way, shape or form? For that person to have been so raw with you regarding their feelings, only to have the acidity of your hate or ignorance tossed on their open heart is…appalling.
Wake up!
You should have listened more. You should have expressed that you heard them. You should have (perhaps) said nothing at all, but wrapped them in a warm embrace and told them that everything was going to be okay and that you loved them even though you don’t understand what they are going through. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to share concerns. But be careful of the timing of such things and whatever you do…do not say “stop playing a victim”. Once again, I assure that you will likely never regain that person’s trust ever again.
To those of you who have had people invalidate your pain…I am so sorry that you had to hear that. I am so sorry that after finding the courage to speak to someone about something you were going through, that they let you down. I am so sorry that such a statement may have made you feel that your pain is meaningless, a reflection of weakness, or that it isn’t safe for you to speak up. Your pain does matter. Your voice does matter. Keep speaking. Keep opening up. Keep fighting to deflect the fire that seeks to consume you. Surround yourself with people who will listen to you and strengthen you as you find a way to cope and move on.
You are not alone. You are loved. There is hope.
This is the truth I plead you to continue speaking to yourself…and it is the truth I will continue to speak to my own heart as I move forward. The reality is that I know who I am and what I stand for. And as I look around me I can see that I have so many loving friends who lift me up when I need it the most; they know me, they’ve taken the time to understand me, and they celebrate with me because they can see my love for my fiancée very clearly. That is a beautiful thing. Look for those people in your own life and soak up that love. Everything is going to be okay.