This series of posts will include experiences that I have had during my journey as a lesbian. These particular experiences are those nagging memories that I want to forget, but cannot. They are memories that will sometimes surface without warning and put me in a funk for the day. It’s like an ugly tattoo someone else gave me that I want to rub off. They are the scars on my heart; open, healing, and healed. But scars all the same. These scars are a constant and blunt reminder of those unwanted experiences and conversations I have had with friends, family, and strangers that left me feeling numb.
#1: I remember a couple of my brothers talking about gay people once. They mentioned how all the gay people should just be sent to an island far, far away. I just sat there. I wasn’t out to many people at that point.
#2: Only 2 of my 8 siblings came to my wedding, but my wife knows all of their birthdays by heart.
#3: I went to my cousin’s wedding. Nearly my whole family was there including my mom. 4 months later, nearly all of these people were absent from my wedding. It’s horrible seeing people celebrate something one day, and then refuse to celebrate a similar occasion so close together. Just because I’m gay.
#4: My cousin informed me she wouldn’t be coming to my wedding because she doesn’t support same sex marriage. I still went to hers. My mom went to her wedding as well. At the end of the day my mom came up to my cousin and gave her a hug and told her she was proud of her. Right in front of me. My mom didn’t come to my wedding 4 months later. My cousin got more love and support for her marriage from my mom on her wedding day than I ever will for mine.
#5: One of my best friends from childhood had to “take time to think” about being on my bridal party. I waited a month without hearing from her. I finally texted her to ask if she had anything to say. She said she was sorry for not getting back, but that she couldn’t be in the bridal party and would not even be at the wedding because of her religious beliefs. “Something came up that weekend anyway”, she said. We’ve been friends for about 20 years.
#6: I have 8 siblings. We are all on Facebook and Instagram. Only one of them ever reacts or comments on pictures involving sentimental moments with my wife. Only one. I know it seems trivial…but it’s hard not to notice that and also see how active they are on other people’s posts with their loved ones.
#7: I was talking to my mom on the phone my 1st year out to her. We were arguing. I asked her if she thought I was a freak. I asked if she cared how hard this had all been. I asked if she cared how much pain I was feeling. She said, “you only brought this on yourself.”
#8: My aunt died. I wore a black button up and black dress pants for the funeral. Even then…even when my mom was so upset about the death of her sister. Even when we all were mourning…even then, she took time to tell me how inappropriate my outfit was. “You look like a man. You are not my son!” How crazy for us all to be in so much pain and yet THIS was worth bringing up right now.
#9: My mom and several siblings went to my uncle and aunt’s beach house 2 different weekends the past 6 months. It’s 1.5 hours from me. I live the closest to it than anyone who was there. I wasn’t invited either time. I only found out via photos that were posted on Facebook.
#10: My mom didn’t call me for a year after I got engaged. The only reason we talked on the phone a year later was because she posted that she had pneumonia and was in the hospital. I called her to see how she was doing. She acted like nothing was weird between us. We haven’t talked since.
#11: My mom got an Instagram account. She doesn’t follow me though. She follows all my other siblings and even some of my friends. Again, I know social media is trivial…but this still stings.
#12: My family has a Facebook group. My mom made it. It’s called “Family”. Whenever a sibling gets married, she adds their person. My wife hasn’t been added yet and probably never will.
#13: I have nightmares sometimes about my family. They always end with me crying and out of breath with grief. The emotion is tied to how absent and distant they are from my life and my marriage. I think about them a lot during the day. It sucks to find myself grieving, even in my dreams.
#14: I had just finished talking to my cousin one day about how hurtful my mom had been to me and how hard this whole journey had been without her. Afterwards, she mentioned how admirable it was for my mom to be so dedicated to her faith. I was stunned…did she even hear anything I just said?
#15: One of my sister’s confessed that she didn’t believe I was really gay as she tried to explain why she wasn’t going to my wedding. My wedding. To a woman. I had been out to her for over 5 years and had been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. How long does acceptance take?
#16: My dad isn’t a very good person and was not a good dad. This was, of course, a lovely excuse for my family in feeling it was a cause for my queerness. But the truth is that I had moved on from my dad’s shortcomings several years before coming out. It’s hard (and feels manipulative) to have your family try to pry open your healed wounds in order to “convince” you that you have not healed. In a sense they are saying, “You are not healed, your dad broke you so much that you turned gay! You have to recognize that and find healing so you are not gay anymore!” There is this common belief that I MUST have daddy issues, when in fact, I do not.
#17: When I first came out to my family I sent each of them an (admittedly long) document. It was somewhat like a dairy of the thoughts and processing that took place the year that I came out to myself. I asked each of them to be on this journey with me. To ask questions that they may have. To try to hear me. No one got back to me for several months. I asked again, then 1 or 2 got back to me. No else did. I asked a couple of them in person about it and they admitted they didn’t read it. I slowly began to realize that my family wasn’t interested in being on the journey with me. One sibling even told me he felt it was too overwhelming.
#18: This journey is too overwhelming. It is too overwhelming to journey with me. Then how do you expect me to take that journey alone?
#19: My wife isn’t on any of our family social media groups (which have included the spouses of other siblings). My sister added her one day to our Snapchat group. One of my brothers threatened to leave the group because he cannot be affiliated with anything that implies that my wife is family. As a compromise we changed the name of the group to one that didn’t include the word “family” so everyone could stay in the group.
#20: I was sitting in the car with one of my best friends. I was out to myself and a couple friends, but not him. I really wanted him to know though. Somehow, the topic of gay people came up. The conversation was going okay and I was about to come out to him when he said, “I don’t know though. I think gay guys are just really horny. They just want to get off and then mistake that for something else.” I shrunk back. I suddenly realized he didn’t understand queer people yet. And I wasn’t brave enough to be the person to correct him. I wish I just came out anyway, but I didn’t feel safe.
#21: There are kids in the city here called the “washer boys”. These kids are on the streets trying to make money by washing your windshield on your car when you stop at a light. I usually ask them not to, as I don’t have anything to give. One time, 2 or 3 boys were there and when I told them not to worry about washing the car, they jeered at my wife and I by saying, “ugly dykes!”. They were probably about 12.
#22: This will be the second Christmas not being at my mom’s house. She messaged me saying she wished I could come. But it’s up to you, mom. Just say we both can come and maybe we’ll be there next year.