My hand is shaking as I finally begin to write the words “The End” on this chapter of the book which is my life. Not because my life ends there, but because it’s time to write a new book. One with a change in who the main characters are. One where many of the characters who had such an important role in my life during my first book, no longer have that control over who I am. This will be a book where I will redirect my energy towards the people who give back that same energy, rather than wasting it on people who will never return it.
I used to think that I was losing my family and friends when I came out, and even more so after I got married. And that may be true for some of them. But the reality is that those relationships have just changed. Seeing that change take place was very painful. But it is what it is. They are no longer who I thought they were. Change doesn’t necessarily mean I lose them forever, but they no longer have the role in my life that they used to. I can live with that. I MUST live with that.
I need to start this next book with different main characters. Who? How about the family members who have truly stood by my side through thick or thin? How about my loyal friends, rather than the fickle ones? I kept trying to write that first book on and on and on until it had the ending I wanted. I wanted an ending that ultimately transformed the people who rejected me back into the heroes I always thought they were. But the reality is…I would have kept writing forever without ever getting the ending that I wanted.
People change. Relationships change. Even the ones I never imagined would. But that is a reality we often don’t have control over, and that’s okay. We are going to be okay. MORE than okay! Life isn’t just about writing your own story. Try to find the people in life who include you as an important character in their life story as well. And start writing.
Imagine the possibilities when we turn to the people who love and support us the most and say “You…are such an important character in the story of my life. You are someone I want to spend more time with. You add joy and love to my life and I’m so very thankful for you.” Rather than constantly chasing people for affection who have had their backs turned to us for years now…and all just because we can’t let go of what once was.
We can’t live our lives like that. We have to let relationships take the course the other side is causing it to take. It doesn’t always mean you’ll never see them again, or that you won’t make happy memories with them again one day. But they are not the hero of your story. So stop writing them into every chapter of your life as if they will be. The ink is in your hands…and the only path you can change is your own. Create one that leads to peace and happiness.
To my fellow white Americans I have one word:
Lean
Into the past.
The mark your ancestors left on the backs
Of the black and otherwise non-white people of this country.
Lean
Into the mud
Of your own family line.
I remember giving praise to my great grandfather of the early 1900s…
Sharing a story of how a black man saved his life
And in return he gave him ownership of a drug store.
Proof of the good faith that had formed.
But I didn’t find out until I was 28,
that this same grandfather had been in the KKK.
Lean!
Into the fact that It’s not okay to rise up the good, without looking at the bad.
The history of my bloodline washed clean
Only showing what we want to see…
When the reality
Is that we were part of the problem too.
Lean!
Into the facts
That the white generations before us are responsible for committing acts
that wiped out
Entire families
Bloodlines
And the history
Of the non-white communities.
Lean!
Savages we called them.
Heathens.
In need of a cleansing.
Slavery. Reservations. Internment camps.
To keep them in place.
But we never built a jail to lock in our racist hate.
If we had
We would still hear native tongues speaking in these lands.
We wouldn’t have left out black names from the history books.
We would not have black men dying in the streets,
A cop’s knees blocking out the air they breathe
for the sake of a fake $20 bill.
When white men might only be in jail for 3 months for rape.
Lean!!
Into the stats
That show
That poverty rates ranked from high to low:
Native American, Black American, Hispanic American
Lean!!
Black Americans are incarcerated at 5 times the rate of the white.
We haven’t ended oppression, we just keep moving it around to hide.
Slavery, lynching, segretation, and now the criminal justice system.
Black and white people use drugs at similar rates,
but the imprisonment rate of African Americans for drug charges is almost 6 times that of whites.
Lean!!!
Into the 1986 Anti-Drug Abuse Act
Which gave mandatory minimums for drug offences.
Eat the facts:
Crack cocaine and powder cocaine are basically the same,
But
Crack = black people
Powder = white people.
Yet 5 grams of crack gets you 5 years in prison while
It took 500 grams of powder cocaine to get the same sentence.
This didn’t change until 2010.
Lean!!!
A criminal record can reduce the likelihood of a job offer by nearly 50%.
So when we put that non-white person in jail for having a half gram of weed
How is he
Supposed to get back on his feet
In a country that is already out to exploit him.
It’s easy to judge someone joining a gang,
Until you realize we stripped them of an easy way out.
Lean!!!
Because we have to lean into the uncomfortable realities that face us.
We have to care!
We have to take a stand
And lay bare
The changes that need to take place.
This country is not great,
Until it is great for everyone.
Make America great, is all that should be said.
There is no “again”
Until it first begins
And we are not there yet.
I went to the doctor’s office today and was asked if I associate with a religion…and I said no. Wow. I suppose that I am still getting used to that. How did I get here? Well, there are some technicalities, such as the fact that I do not believe that Jesus necessarily died for our sins nor do I believe that you have to believe in him in order to go receive a positive afterlife. My upbringing in the religion made it very clear that this was a necessary belief to have in order to call yourself a Christian; some of you (my wife included) may not have had that as heavily ingrained or maybe you are comfortable “taking a break” from your religion and still calling yourself a Christian…and that’s okay. But for me, being a more clear-cut type of thinker, this belief I had about Jesus was a disqualification for me as a Christian. But there’s more to the story.
I have experienced some hard things since coming out that have truly left their mark on my faith experience. For years I tried to reconcile my faith with my sexual orientation. I searched and explored many churches. I read many books and articles on the topic. I had many conversations. And by the way, I do believe one can reconcile their faith with their sexuality! That was definitely made evident in my exploration. So how else did I come to this point in my life where I now leave that box blank next to the word “christian”?
Trauma.
Trauma by simple definition is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. There are different types of trauma in the psychology world. I am not a psychologist, so I don’t feel like trying to break all of that down because I probably won’t do it justice. I had heard of the term “trauma” plenty growing up, but always had a hard time matching that word to my own experiences as a gay Christian. It was hard because when I thought of the word “trauma”, I thought about loved ones I knew who had been physically or sexually abused, seen a loved one die, dealt with homelessness or abandonment as a child, or something of that nature. I felt that it was almost an insult to call what I experienced “trauma” when compared to those experiences. But when it comes down to it, religious trauma is a real thing.
In fact, there is a term called “religious trauma syndrome” or RTS that is used by some psychologists, though it is not yet officially recognized as a diagnosis in the mental health community. When I heard about RTS, I immediately felt a connection to its definition. It was the word I had been searching for that described my experience without feeling as though I was disrespecting people who had experienced other types of trauma…not that this is a fair way to think, by the way. Comparing your trauma to another person’s trauma isn’t always a helpful way to process the real experiences and emotions you may be dealing with from things people have done or said to you.
As I was reading about RTS and it’s common symptoms and causes, I found that many of them stood out to me. Though this syndrome is often found in people who have just left a religion, I also felt many of the symptoms during my coming out process as a gay Christian and I’m going to spend some time breaking that down a bit more. First, here is a helpful chart for you to read over about the syndrome.
from www.daretodoubt.org
Cognitive symptoms (negative beliefs about self-ability and self-worth, black and white thinking, perfectionism)
Social symptoms (loss of social network, family rupture)
Cultural symptoms (“fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, and information gaps)
Other symptoms I have read elsewhere also include feeling “numb” and avoidance of addressing the feelings you are having. Not to mention nightmares about things people have said or done. I know without a doubt, that I have triggers that cause some of the emotional symptoms mentioned above. I can no longer go to church, hear Christian worship music, listen to a sermon, or even hear people pray without it triggering deep emotional reactions of anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. And that’s upsetting to me. It wasn’t always like that. I used to find inspiration and healing out of those things. And simply being gay didn’t cause these things to change. It was the horrendous difficulty I had coming to terms with being gay because of my Christian upbringing, coupled with the experiences and reactions from people I had trusted in the Christian community that followed that coming out process (not to mention the aftermath of getting engaged and married to my wife).
Coming out. Why was it so hard? It’s not hard for everyone. Much of it comes down to your own upbringing (which greatly impacts your cognitive development). Here is a breakdown of common causes of RTS symptoms in correlation to my own experiences based on the chart above (much more could be added, but this is just me).
Dysfunctional beliefs being taught:
Gay people are not really gay; they are broken, sick, disturbed, delusional.
Gay people go to hell.
God has ordained marriage to be between a man and a woman only.
Same sex relationships will never be viewed as holy in the eyes of God.
Gay people caused AIDS (or AIDS was a sign of wrath from God on the gay community for their sin)
You cannot be gay and a Christian.
Only Christians go to heaven, everyone else goes to hell.
You will never find true happiness or love outside of the Bible’s definition of marriage.
Independent thinking was condemned and “self” is not a reliable or good source of knowledge:
Being told that the Bible is the ultimate source of truth and completely infallible. Anything that suggests otherwise, is not to be trusted.
All texts offered to you or advised for self help are Christian based.
A poor tolerance to doubting certain scripture or Biblical beliefs.
Constantly being told that you cannot trust yourself.
If you come up with a thought or belief on your own, it is inherently not to be trusted if it is not founded in Scripture.
Doubting scripture is dangerous.
Scripture based beliefs is what should ultimately guide your biggest life decisions.
Feeling was condemned:
Phrases such as “the heart is deceitful and wicked” are constantly reinforced.
Being told that you cannot base your beliefs off of how you feel, because the heart will mislead you.
Constant invalidation of feelings because it goes against religious text.
After you really take time to draw these correlations between symptoms and causes, it’s no wonder it’s such a mind boggling experience for many of us to come to terms with our sexuality! The way we are taught makes a huge impact on how we react to the world around us…and to our own existence. Growing up as a dedicated member of the conservative Christian community and then later coming out as queer…the internal turmoil can be so raw, so real, and so terrifying. And then on top of that, many of us have people we love and trust reinforcing these super unhelpful beliefs while we try to come to terms with who we are. This is not easy. It’s very, very difficult. It often requires a total deconstruction of your entire belief system for you to even begin to accept the truth for what it is. This can be a grueling and anxiety provoking task. It’s not something any of us want to do, but we must. We have to be willing to see where we were misled (even with the best of intentions). Some of us will be able to undergo this deconstruction and come out with our religion affiliation still intact, but some of us will not. And both avenues are okay as long as your freedom of thought, your health, and your well being is in the forefront.
I guess I write all of this to bring attention to a very important concept: religious trauma is real. Don’t ignore it. Grapple with what that means for you if you are experiencing something similar; whether that is the trauma you may be feeling as a gay Christian or the feelings you are having as you leave a religion (be it Christian or something else). Seek counseling from friends or professionals when needed. Allow yourself to dig deep. Allow yourself to think freely. Allow yourself to feel. It is not evil, it is simply human. Please know that there are resources out there for you. You can always reach out to me if you would like. I also want to highly recommend this website (www.daretodoubt.org) as a starting point if you are finding yourself having doubts about religion, wanting to leave it altogether, or you feel in danger by others or yourself because of the distress related to leaving a religion. You are not alone. You are capable of getting through this. You will make it. Things do get better.
This past weekend was Easter weekend and it got me thinking about some things. Easter (from a religious standpoint) is a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. I do not consider myself a Christian anymore, but I still draw a lot of meaning from this story. It caused me to think about those moments in my life when I went through dark and trying times, but made it through to the other side. As a refresher, Jesus was targeted for having revolutionary ideas about the Jewish religion at the time. He called out religious leaders for having their noses so deep in the book that they couldn’t lift their eyes to see the people around them they were failing to love and lift up. He was betrayed by a friend on his whereabouts which caused him to be captured. And in the end, no one was able to come forward and save him. He was tortured and killed. Must have been a rough week!
We all go through times that shake us. Friends or family who were not there for you when you needed them. Depression or anxiety. Loss of a job. Death of a loved one. Health issues. A pandemic. The list goes on. And it sucks. I am not going to write something cliche like “it all happens for a reason” or “there is good that will come of this” because those things just do not help anyone feel better in the moment. But what I feel does inevitably happen to each of us when we go through a dark time in our life, is a transformation. It’s not always a good one, but it can be. And sometimes good doesn’t mean easy. In fact, it rarely does. Sometimes something inside of us really does “die”. Sometimes old beliefs “die” (sometimes that’s good). But as you experience these moments in your life, I hope you experience a resurrection. One that involves growth in character, strength, and resilience despite the “death” of something within yourself or outside of you. I hope you rise up on the other side of that moment in your life; new and stronger than before and with a message of hope.
This series reflects my source of healing. The experiences, conversations, and interactions I have had that have helped hold me together and heal the scars on my heart. I wanted to write this series to show the process of healing that comes with this journey. And I also want to use this series to speak not only to the queer community, but to the allies and wannabe allies as well. The last series gave a lot of good examples of what not to do or say. This one focuses on what you should do or say to love on and stand up for your queer friends. This is how people in my life became a source of healing and empowerment for me.
#1: I was coming out to a friend one evening. I was so nervous. I had never talked to her on this topic, but assumed she was conservative about it, as most Christians are. But I had barely gotten a full sentence out before she wrapped her arms around me and said “hey, it’s okay. I love you no matter what.” After a tearful sigh of relief on my end, she then proceeded to ask “so, do you like boobs? What’s your type?” After a good laugh, we had a great and meaningful conversation. Sometimes, coming out can be so much better than you thought it would be. And to the person who may have someone come out to you…be THIS type of friend.
#2: I remember sitting in the living room at a family friend’s house by myself one summer day. I was watching an Olympic soccer match after which one of the starting players, Megan Rapinoe, came out as gay on live television. I wasn’t out at the time. I was in the process of admitting to myself that I was gay and really struggling with it all. I remember how profound this moment was for me…seeing someone I really admired just put herself out there like that. This is why moments like this matter. For many of us, our queer role models have been hidden from us throughout our life. People like me find strength and courage from those moments. We need people to look up to as we press into who we are. Maybe you’re one of those people. Or maybe you can be an ally and champion for the ones who do come out publicly; you never know who they are helping in that moment.
#3: My wife isn’t allowed at my mother’s home. For that reason, we didn’t go to her home for the holidays this past year. One of my sisters got the family together during the holidays and essentially forced a conversation to be had about this issue. I can’t tell you how much that meant to us. We were so exhausted. So tired of trying to have people just consider how ridiculous this type of exclusion is. We were done. But my sister came forward and stood up for us in that moment. She really called out double standards and hypocrisy that was being committed (even at her own expense). I have another sister who has done the same thing countless times…calling out siblings who are being exclusive or unsupportive of us and just straight up letting them know that they are being a jerk. Queer people need this type of support. We can’t speak up for ourselves all the time…especially when we aren’t even present to defend ourselves. Being that sister or brother or friend or parent who ultimately calls out homophobia is what being an ally truly implies. Telling us to our face that you are cool with us, but then doing nothing to call out the people inflicting pain and prejudice towards us is not helpful. Putting yourself out there and actually taking a stand for us is what helpful looks like. So, thank you to all the allies to the queer community who actually take time to stand up for us…it means more than you can imagine. Keep it up!
#4: The friends and family who asked questions are the ones who made themselves safe the fastest when I was first coming out. There is nothing more awkward than telling someone you know really well that you are gay, knowing it was going to be a lot for them to process, and then them never asking you anything about it ever again. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have ask us things all the time and eventually there is a time when the understanding is clear and/or the queer person is confident in who they are, so there is no longer a need for questions. But in the beginning, especially when the queer person has expressed that they are sorta freaking out, or that they are scared, and/or not out to key people like their family…ask questions. Please, please ask questions. And then LISTEN. Be a good listener. You may not even need to ask very many questions. This is so helpful to them as they process things, it’s going to be helpful to you in understanding your friend more, and it’s a sign that you care. Even if you are a friend or family member who is totally cool with people being queer, that doesn’t mean THEY are totally cool with being queer. Help them out. In the very least, if you are unsure of how to help or unsure if they want or need help, ask them if it would be helpful for them to talk to you about that part of their life. Don’t take this for granted. It could save someone you really love.
#5: My younger sister messaged me one day about a project she was doing in college for a class. I had been out for about 2 years to her at this point. She said in order to get her Teaching Health Certification, she had to do a Community Profile Presentation where she was supposed to choose a community group that is both less familiar to them and is a vulnerable population commonly found within schools. She said “I chose my presentation to be on the LGBT community. Would you be willing to maybe share some questions/topics I could bring up with them that would be good questions to ask? I wanna make sure I ask them stuff that really gets my viewers to understand their community, but I wanna make sure I do it in a professional and sincere way where I don’t offend them with the type of questions I ask.” This was so meaningful to me. For one, it showed me that my sister was trying to understand people like me. Secondly, she cared enough to recognize that the LGBTQ community was a vulnerable group in schools. She also was genuine in wanting to know how to appropriately ask the community questions in order to understand their struggles. This allowed me to share more with her about who I was as well. At this point, I personally felt so invisible sometimes…especially to my family. So to have a family member shine light on the issues people like me face to an entire class in college…it really gave me a boost.
#6: One day I took time to message two particular friends of mine from childhood. They both did not go to my wedding (yeah, yeah…cause I’m gay. Got it). “But know that I love you!”, is always what follows. I just had such a hard time wrapping my mind around the years of memories I had with someone I considered a loyal friend, doing and saying something like that. And then remaining silent since. The silence since their last words felt like an anvil that would just crush me from time to time. So one day, I decided to message them. I was honest. I told them I was hurting and that I wanted to start a new conversation. Both replied. One I called…it was a short conversation and not about the pain. Just catching up. It felt a bit awkward, but I felt good having had the conversation even though this friend didn’t seem interested in addressing how I felt. The other friend arranged to spend time with me in person. We hung out and caught up about other things. I was intentional in not bringing the issue up…the ball was in her court as it was with the other friend. But after a long pause, she finally broke the ice. She said she knew she hurt me and that she was sorry. She said she wasn’t even aware of how hard it was and that she felt foolish for not realizing. She also said she truly couldn’t think of a good reason for her to have treated me different than other friends of hers (ie going to weddings of non Christians). We talked for a while. I opened up about things I had experienced the past year. She was sincerely empathetic and loving. She still has questions about this type of marriage, but is capable of seeing how she hurt me and that she knows she wasn’t justified to have done what she did. It took a few days for the apology to even sink in. I had gotten so used to negative comments, no comments, and the lack of apologies that I was numb. I still am numb, in a lot of ways. But thank you, friend. Thank you for saying sorry. I’ve felt a little bit lighter ever since.
#7: One night I was talking to a friend of mine about how happy I was to have found so many friends who didn’t have any issues with me being gay. I don’t remember all the specifics of the conversation, but at one point he got very serious, looked me in the eyes and said, “Mel, we don’t tolerate you. We love you.” Those words shook me. I found myself meditating on those words for months…I even wrote it on a post-it note and put it on the wall above my desk. I came to realize that I had formed this expectation that toleration was good enough. That this was the best I would likely get from people regarding my identity. But as it turns out, I had low expectations. People could not only tolerate me, but love me. Even THAT part of me. I’m thankful for these seemingly small things people have said that have lifted me up over the years. And for anyone who needs to hear it, you are worthy of more than toleration. You are worthy of love.
#8: One night I was hanging out with some new friends from grad school at one of their apartments. There were about 5 of us gals sitting in a circle, having a drink, and enjoying a good conversation. Then one of them popped a question, “who is your celebrity crush”? How many times have I heard this question amongst my female friends throughout life? I don’t know…a million times!? Don’t get me wrong, it’s an innocent question and can start fun conversations. But when I was younger it caused me some stress at times, because I was a closeted girl who was expected to give a straight reply and was obviously not great at that game (though I eventually came up with answers). Then when I finally came out, this question became EVEN MORE uncomfortable. Similar questions that also caused some anxiety involved questions such as “are you dating anyone”, “is there someone you are interested in”, etc. Now for context, remember that I grew up in a very conservative environment and that was the crowd I hung out with for most of my life (up to this point). So I had a lot of anxieties about these types of questions because I wasn’t sure whether or not an honest reply would create a very awkward moment. So usually, I would just listen to replies from other people in the group and dodge the question to avoid this uncomfortable situation. And quite frankly, up to this point it was common for those friends or family members to go along with that. They often would never ask me those questions directly…I could tell they didn’t want to have that conversation either. It was hard sometimes because I DID have answers, but knew the answers wouldn’t be acceptable.
So back to the original story…I was already out to these new friends, but still not super comfortable with answering the question without knowing for sure it was okay. But as I was sitting there implementing this usual strategy of “listen, be quiet, and try not to be a weirdo”, the friend who asked the question looked at me directly and asked, “what about you, who is your celebrity crush? Tell us about her.” That was a big deal for me. I had this weird mixture of excitement and nervousness to actually tell them who my celebrity crush was…and it ended up being totally fine! It wasn’t weird! There was no awkward pause. There was no lag in conversation. It was just…normal. This then started a conversation of “who is your celebrity crush of the opposite sex you are usually attracted to” and it was totally chill. I guess I write all of this to say…be sure people are not being left out of these seemingly simple conversations. Do what you can to help queer people feel comfortable to answer questions like this (especially when you know it is safe for them to do so).
This series of posts will include experiences that I have had during my journey as a lesbian. These particular experiences are those nagging memories that I want to forget, but cannot. They are memories that will sometimes surface without warning and put me in a funk for the day. It’s like an ugly tattoo someone else gave me that I want to rub off. They are the scars on my heart; open, healing, and healed. But scars all the same. These scars are a constant and blunt reminder of those unwanted experiences and conversations I have had with friends, family, and strangers that left me feeling numb.
Intertwined
#1: I remember a couple of my brothers talking about gay people once. They mentioned how all the gay people should just be sent to an island far, far away. I just sat there. I wasn’t out to many people at that point.
#2: Only 2 of my 8 siblings came to my wedding, but my wife knows all of their birthdays by heart.
#3: I went to my cousin’s wedding. Nearly my whole family was there including my mom. 4 months later, nearly all of these people were absent from my wedding. It’s horrible seeing people celebrate something one day, and then refuse to celebrate a similar occasion so close together. Just because I’m gay.
#4: My cousin informed me she wouldn’t be coming to my wedding because she doesn’t support same sex marriage. I still went to hers. My mom went to her wedding as well. At the end of the day my mom came up to my cousin and gave her a hug and told her she was proud of her. Right in front of me. My mom didn’t come to my wedding 4 months later. My cousin got more love and support for her marriage from my mom on her wedding day than I ever will for mine.
#5: One of my best friends from childhood had to “take time to think” about being on my bridal party. I waited a month without hearing from her. I finally texted her to ask if she had anything to say. She said she was sorry for not getting back, but that she couldn’t be in the bridal party and would not even be at the wedding because of her religious beliefs. “Something came up that weekend anyway”, she said. We’ve been friends for about 20 years.
#6: I have 8 siblings. We are all on Facebook and Instagram. Only one of them ever reacts or comments on pictures involving sentimental moments with my wife. Only one. I know it seems trivial…but it’s hard not to notice that and also see how active they are on other people’s posts with their loved ones.
#7: I was talking to my mom on the phone my 1st year out to her. We were arguing. I asked her if she thought I was a freak. I asked if she cared how hard this had all been. I asked if she cared how much pain I was feeling. She said, “you only brought this on yourself.”
#8: My aunt died. I wore a black button up and black dress pants for the funeral. Even then…even when my mom was so upset about the death of her sister. Even when we all were mourning…even then, she took time to tell me how inappropriate my outfit was. “You look like a man. You are not my son!” How crazy for us all to be in so much pain and yet THIS was worth bringing up right now.
#9: My mom and several siblings went to my uncle and aunt’s beach house 2 different weekends the past 6 months. It’s 1.5 hours from me. I live the closest to it than anyone who was there. I wasn’t invited either time. I only found out via photos that were posted on Facebook.
#10: My mom didn’t call me for a year after I got engaged. The only reason we talked on the phone a year later was because she posted that she had pneumonia and was in the hospital. I called her to see how she was doing. She acted like nothing was weird between us. We haven’t talked since.
#11: My mom got an Instagram account. She doesn’t follow me though. She follows all my other siblings and even some of my friends. Again, I know social media is trivial…but this still stings.
#12: My family has a Facebook group. My mom made it. It’s called “Family”. Whenever a sibling gets married, she adds their person. My wife hasn’t been added yet and probably never will.
#13: I have nightmares sometimes about my family. They always end with me crying and out of breath with grief. The emotion is tied to how absent and distant they are from my life and my marriage. I think about them a lot during the day. It sucks to find myself grieving, even in my dreams.
#14: I had just finished talking to my cousin one day about how hurtful my mom had been to me and how hard this whole journey had been without her. Afterwards, she mentioned how admirable it was for my mom to be so dedicated to her faith. I was stunned…did she even hear anything I just said?
#15: One of my sister’s confessed that she didn’t believe I was really gay as she tried to explain why she wasn’t going to my wedding. My wedding. To a woman. I had been out to her for over 5 years and had been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. How long does acceptance take?
#16: My dad isn’t a very good person and was not a good dad. This was, of course, a lovely excuse for my family in feeling it was a cause for my queerness. But the truth is that I had moved on from my dad’s shortcomings several years before coming out. It’s hard (and feels manipulative) to have your family try to pry open your healed wounds in order to “convince” you that you have not healed. In a sense they are saying, “You are not healed, your dad broke you so much that you turned gay! You have to recognize that and find healing so you are not gay anymore!” There is this common belief that I MUST have daddy issues, when in fact, I do not.
#17: When I first came out to my family I sent each of them an (admittedly long) document. It was somewhat like a dairy of the thoughts and processing that took place the year that I came out to myself. I asked each of them to be on this journey with me. To ask questions that they may have. To try to hear me. No one got back to me for several months. I asked again, then 1 or 2 got back to me. No else did. I asked a couple of them in person about it and they admitted they didn’t read it. I slowly began to realize that my family wasn’t interested in being on the journey with me. One sibling even told me he felt it was too overwhelming.
#18: This journey is too overwhelming. It is too overwhelming to journey with me. Then how do you expect me to take that journey alone?
#19: My wife isn’t on any of our family social media groups (which have included the spouses of other siblings). My sister added her one day to our Snapchat group. One of my brothers threatened to leave the group because he cannot be affiliated with anything that implies that my wife is family. As a compromise we changed the name of the group to one that didn’t include the word “family” so everyone could stay in the group.
#20: I was sitting in the car with one of my best friends. I was out to myself and a couple friends, but not him. I really wanted him to know though. Somehow, the topic of gay people came up. The conversation was going okay and I was about to come out to him when he said, “I don’t know though. I think gay guys are just really horny. They just want to get off and then mistake that for something else.” I shrunk back. I suddenly realized he didn’t understand queer people yet. And I wasn’t brave enough to be the person to correct him. I wish I just came out anyway, but I didn’t feel safe.
#21: There are kids in the city here called the “washer boys”. These kids are on the streets trying to make money by washing your windshield on your car when you stop at a light. I usually ask them not to, as I don’t have anything to give. One time, 2 or 3 boys were there and when I told them not to worry about washing the car, they jeered at my wife and I by saying, “ugly dykes!”. They were probably about 12.
#22: This will be the second Christmas not being at my mom’s house. She messaged me saying she wished I could come. But it’s up to you, mom. Just say we both can come and maybe we’ll be there next year.
I’ll never forget seeing the news on the TV.
I was about to fly home to South Miami…
A destination which is just a few hours south of where this all took place.
The words on the screen
flashing in the dark space
below a young face.
And then another.
And another.
Some younger or the same age as me.
The volume was muted,
But words can scream.
“20 dead and counting.”
“30 dead and counting.”
“40 dead and counting.”
“Terrorist attack.”
“Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers.”
“Worst mass shooting in US history.”
“Lesbian. Bi. Trans. Gay.”
I couldn’t turn away.
I felt so…alone
in that moment.
Though I was surrounded by good friends,
none of them could own this
dark fear that started to creep into my soul.
That old familiar cold
that reminded me how small I was.
This crowded airport…kept moving.
But everything inside of me went still.
I envy the people who felt safe in that moment.
Their sun still shined.
Nothing in their universe had shifted.
But an eclipse had begun to set over mine.
I’m not mad at them…
They just can’t relate in the same way…
And do I even want them to?
Truth be told…
Yes.
No.
Maybe so?
I made it back home that night.
But honestly, I was barely holding it together.
When I got home…
I cried.
I cried for those people whose only crime
was being just like me.
It was another reminder that we weren’t free.
Freedom is the ability to still eat
after watching the news feed.
The club’s name was Pulse.
And I couldn’t help but wonder
if the lives inside
weren’t the only thing that flat-lined that night…
Where is the voice of those on the outside?
Will you stand with us now?
Will you lend us your hand?
Will you take a stand
to seek justice and give aid to us in our time of need?
Please!
Please…
Don’t make us do this on our own…
Again.
And then…
I saw a strange combination of love and distance which I am still processing to this day.
Healthcare workers working late.
Hospital bills being paid.
I saw blood donation lines that stretched for blocks.
I saw flocks of theatre workers dressed as angels to shield mourners from hate.
I saw hope.
And I saw my own privilege in these moments when realized how different the story would have gone 20 years ago.
But I also heard silence.
A silence so loud,
It’d break your heart if you dwelt on it too long.
From those who are quick to speak when it fills their own stomach,
but not when it fills the one beside them…
For those who preach love and grace,
But not if the ones hurt are gay…
Where was your voice in those days?
Why did you hesitate,
and then refrain
from giving your love?
Where was your shoulder to cry on?
Where was your empathy for the lives affected that night?
Are you completely incapable of lending us your love even in the darkest of times?
Is the burden too much to bear?
Our heavy hearts were
Seeking your love and your care,
only to be turned away because of…what?
What real justification do you have?
Your silence was so loud.
But thankfully the silence was not enough
to snuff
out the outpouring of love that so many gave.
To you I must say…
Thank you.
May we all remember the 49 lost.
May we all remember that love comes at a cost.
But most importantly may we all remember that in the end:
United we stand,
Divided we fall,
And above all…
Love is love.
I will strive to make peace with the violent silencing of your love.
That muffler might deafen the sound, but you still took the shot.
Pretending I’m not bleeding doesn’t heal the wound you brought.
I’m covered in scars you’ve chosen not to see.
You keep trying to shove me back in the closet and throw away the key.
You looked right through me when I called out for help.
You. keep. looking. right. through. me.
I am a ghost of whoever it is you want me to be.
You’ve taped a mirror to my forehead to create a version of me
That you can understand.
But that glass is dirty.
That glass is so dirty.
Can you not take one minute to see who I am?
You say that you love me, but you love me incompletely.
You have loved me incompletely.
And I get it, you are only human.
But, so am I.
Brother, look at me…
Can’t you see
That I long for your presence?
Sister, look at me…
Can’t you see
That I long for your understanding?
Mother, look at me.
Can’t you see
That I long for your embrace?
What happened to us?
What happened?
Why have you kept yourself so far away?
I used to think nothing would come between us.
But I was wrong.
You claim Christ as a reason to love me from afar,
But that’s the most false image of Christ I ever saw.
You think you know him so well,
But you didn’t even know that he’s coming to my wedding.
In order to build a bridge it needs to be built from both sides…
My hands are covered in splinters of a task only halfway done.
And I cannot go on.
It’s up to you now.
Sorry again for taking so long to work up another blog post. Every time I wanted to sit down and write, I just didn’t have it in me. I guess you could say the last few months knocked the creative wind out of me. You see…I got engaged! 😀 I know. Exciting right?? I am overjoyed to be marrying my best friend! Unfortunately there is more to the story. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and reactions to our engagement and it’s been exhausting.
It wasn’t a surprise to be getting engaged this year. I knew that was coming around the corner pretty soon. I thought I had prepared myself well enough for the negativity that would surround the announcement, but as it turns out…that’s not as possible as I thought it was. I feel like I’ve been run over by a tractor trailer a few times. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of happiness, excitement, and joyful tears regarding this! Those are the people in my life I am most thankful for…I couldn’t have come this far without them. But it doesn’t keep the pain away when brothers and sisters tell you they won’t be at the wedding. It doesn’t keep the pain away when a best friend turns down an invitation to be a part of your bridal party. It doesn’t keep the pain away to know that hardly any of your immediate family or childhood friends will be there for you on this particular journey. And all because you are gay.
Some of the worst statements I’ve read/heard the last few months in regards to my engagement:
“I’m heartbroken.”
“From the moment I met you I felt like God had a special plan for your life…Satan also has a plan, a plan to destroy our lives and unfortunately that’s what’s happening to yours.”
“How about just crossing us off your mailing list for this event….which, in all honesty, we’ll be praying won’t occur.”
“If I went I would have to make an objection…”
It’s amazing the impact that words can have on you…especially when coming from the mouths of people you truly love. I didn’t argue with hardly anyone. I saw these reactions coming and wasn’t about to believe I could change all the beliefs they’ve had instilled in them with one conversation (mainly because I’ve already had several conversations on this topic with some of them and none of it seemed to sink in). But there was one argument I did get into which lead to me stating the reality of how hurt I felt about what they were saying, and how frustrating I felt with how little they had tried to get to know me or my fiancée the last several years.
And then this statement came out of their mouth: “Stop playing a victim.”
I’ve decided this statement is one of the most frustrating and belittling statements I have ever heard in my life. The main reason for my frustration is that I’ve heard this statement (or similar ones to it) used to invalidate a person’s pain or struggles way too many times. And it’s often said in the most desperate of times for that individual or community (be it depression, sadness, or pain over any number of things).It’s something that LGBT folk hear all the time. I’ve heard this statement more than once over the last few years when I tried to express to someone the fear I felt in my coming out journey or the pain I felt from the lack of support from loved ones. It’s hard to portray how awful it is to hear something like that when you are in a lot of pain.
But let’s have a real talk. Have you ever considered why people would choose to distort your openness with them as a “victim playing saga”? Let me tell you one really big possibility…
You just made them uncomfortable as fuck.
Your openness has the ability to shatter people’s preconceived ideas about who you are. And that scares the living daylight out of people to feel that first crack. Sometimes, people will do, say, or believe anything to keep them from diving deep into their own heart for the truth, because they are afraid of the possibility of being wrong. It could mean totally re-shaping the way they see humanity and that’s a big deal.
I am not making an excuse for these people. But I do believe it is helpful to understand where sudden and sharp statements like this could be originating from.
I do have a few words for anyone out there who has accused someone of being a fake victim…especially for those out there who have said this to a gay friend, brother, sister, son, or daughter. When a person opens up to you about things that they are going through it is very possible that they have some amount of trust in you…they see you as someone they can speak to about these things and it is very possible that they are incredibly hopeful that you will be with them as they find or continue to find ways to heal their wounds. It is very possible that they have spent too many sleepless nights, cried too many tears, and felt a nearly unbearable pain as they wondered if they were alone. This is a pinnacle moment between you and this individual. What you do or say next, can and will leave a lasting impression on their soul.
So if you choose to completely run them over by saying they are a fake, that their pain is all in their head, and that they need to stop playing the victim…you just lost them. And you might never regain that trust. Or worse, you may have just pushed them back down into the cave of despair they had been working so hard to climb out of. Do you seriously think that saying something like this is going help that person out? Is saying such a thing life-giving in any way, shape or form? For that person to have been so raw with you regarding their feelings, only to have the acidity of your hate or ignorance tossed on their open heart is…appalling.
Wake up!
You should have listened more. You should have expressed that you heard them. You should have (perhaps) said nothing at all, but wrapped them in a warm embrace and told them that everything was going to be okay and that you loved them even though you don’t understand what they are going through. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to share concerns. But be careful of the timing of such things and whatever you do…do not say “stop playing a victim”. Once again, I assure that you will likely never regain that person’s trust ever again.
To those of you who have had people invalidate your pain…I am so sorry that you had to hear that. I am so sorry that after finding the courage to speak to someone about something you were going through, that they let you down. I am so sorry that such a statement may have made you feel that your pain is meaningless, a reflection of weakness, or that it isn’t safe for you to speak up. Your pain does matter. Your voice does matter. Keep speaking. Keep opening up. Keep fighting to deflect the fire that seeks to consume you. Surround yourself with people who will listen to you and strengthen you as you find a way to cope and move on.
You are not alone. You are loved. There is hope.
This is the truth I plead you to continue speaking to yourself…and it is the truth I will continue to speak to my own heart as I move forward. The reality is that I know who I am and what I stand for. And as I look around me I can see that I have so many loving friends who lift me up when I need it the most; they know me, they’ve taken the time to understand me, and they celebrate with me because they can see my love for my fiancée very clearly. That is a beautiful thing. Look for those people in your own life and soak up that love. Everything is going to be okay.
