So how did people react to my transformation (see my blog post “Locks of Lies”)? People had many different reactions…similar to a group of people watching the process of a reptile shed its old skin: some thought it was pretty cool, they understood the process, and knew why it was a healthy change to be made. While others were weirded out, screamed, and ran away.
Perhaps that seems a little dramatic (and yes you are allowed to laugh). But let me break it down a bit more.
Some of my friends were totally cool. They saw that I was undergoing a change and they just “got it”. Common comments I had were “this is so you”, “you look so much more comfortable now”, and “wow, you pull this look off so well!”. They saw the change I was undergoing as being good for me (even many of my Christian friends). They had seen through some of my attempts the last few years of trying to look like someone I was not. So when they saw me, the REAL me, they were excited about it. They were on the journey with me and were happy that I had found a pair of shoes that fit right.
But I also received (or overheard) other comments and questions that were on the more frustrating side: “why are you trying to look like a boy?”, “mommy, is that a boy or a girl?”, “you look like a boy”, “wow dude, that’s a chick!”.
Let’s not forget the equally uncomfortable looks I’ve gotten. Some look annoyed, some even looked angry, others merely looked curious or confused. But they are all staring…and staring isn’t very polite. Especially when I would look back at them and it didn’t cause them to look away. Geez, stop it already!
At first, these comments or stares made me feel REALLY uncomfortable. Some days I noticed so many stares that it felt like I was walking around without pants on or something. I was suddenly an anomaly to people…and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t used to having so many people’s eyes on me when I walked to class, went to the grocery store, or went into a football game. Sometimes I just wanted to yell at them to mind their own business. The real me was finally visible…but I sometimes found myself wanting to hide again.
It took me some time to turn my focus away from feeling annoyed and frustrated at the stares I got, to having a more patient understanding of why it was all happening. I knew this was going to be tough…that’s why it took over 20 years for even ME to look like myself. My style isn’t typical of a female. My preferred style looks very androgynous (indicative of both or neither biological gender). That makes people stop in their tracks and take a second look sometimes. I am a female and they can see that after staring for a bit, but I am also wearing loose clothing and backwards hat like a lot of guys do. AND I have short hair. It’s just downright confusing at first glance to a lot of people.
There are several different categories of people you face when you look the way I do:
1. Children and their brutal honesty (“are you a boy or a girl?”)
2. Strangers (like the cashier in the store who calls you “sir”)
3. Loved ones:
a. Ones who totally get it, love your style, and help you pick out a bowtie for a wedding
b. Ones who totally do NOT get it and wonder if you are off your rocker a bit
1. Kids Say the Darndest Things
I heard a former waitress tell a story once about her various encounters with kids. She was determined to give the next kid who asked her if she was a boy or a girl a lengthy Women’s Studies 101 speech. But when the opportunity came, she found herself looking into the eyes of a small and curious child who was merely asking a question. So she simply told the child that she was a girl…the type of girl who likes to wear her PJs all day instead of a dress. And the little girl said “my favorite pajamas are purple with fish! Can I have pancake, please?” And that was the end of it. So far as kids go, I’ve been learning to take on this approach. Just keep it simple and answer their question. Don’t get angry. They just want to know. A lot of kids are taught to only see girls and boys in very specific ways. Take this small opportunity to show them that the world is bigger than that. Maybe it will help prevent them from being a bully later in life towards kids who have unique clothing and hairstyles. (See her speech here)
2. Stranger Danger
Random encounters, especially with strangers, are tough and the most awkward. A lot of the time, I don’t say anything (especially is they were just being an asshole). But something I’ve been trying to do more of lately is: speak up. If someone calls me a “sir”, I usually correct them, but try to be kind about it and follow it with a smile. In all honestly, they always feel way more awkward about it than I do (a secret pleasure 😉 ). I’ve often dealt with women who walk into a public restroom as I walk out…only to swing around, run out, look at the sign, look at me, and then stumble awkwardly back into the restroom in confusion. I was a little embarrassed by this at first. Now, I literally laugh out loud, because…well…it’s a funny sight. It’s also fair to say that people are often very apologetic when I correct them, or they will realize their mistake before I say anything. I’m not mean about it. I just say “that’s okay”, smile, and move on. I’ve come to find that it’s important to keep your cool about such things.
Most of the time, people DO get my gender right. But I’ve come to find that one person simply takes in their first impressions differently than the next. This is likely all connected to their level of awareness of diversity as well as their willingness (or unwillingness) to take in a deeper look of someone before jumping to a conclusion. Maybe the fact I corrected them kindly and softly will help them see before they speak next time.
3 a. The “Tell me more” Friends
I am always willing to answer any questions that people have and try my best to do so without any malice. In fact, I’ve come to enjoy having the chance to describe to people why I dress the way I do and why I chose to get my hair cut short. It’s a chance to show them that I am not all that different than they are. These deeper conversations are pretty much always with friends. These are the special people in your life who want to know more about who you are. I believe it’s important to take their questions as an opportunity to give a clarity about who you are…and in turn you have made a whole group of people visible to them. Maybe next time they see someone like you they won’t stare as long. Maybe next time they see someone like you…they will actually see them for who they are.
3 b. The “I don’t know about this…” People
The hardest conversations I’ve had so far have honestly been with family and (some) friends who have known me since I was much younger. They had grown accustomed to the mask I had been putting on my whole life to try to fit in. This made it a lot harder for them to see how this new style could possibly be me. In some ways, they understood that I had always been a tomboy, but still…this seemed a little extreme to them. It also just happens to be that a lot of my family and childhood friends grew up in a very conservative world. It hasn’t been as easy for a lot of these loved ones to embrace or understand my style. I’ve been called stubborn and hard-headed when I’ve worn a nice button up, dress pants, and bow tie instead of a dress to a wedding. I’ve been called selfish to do such a thing as wear a black dress shirt and pants to a funeral instead of a blouse. I’ve been told that it’s detestable to reject my womanhood this way and that I am in great need of a reconciliation with my femininity. I’ve been given books on how to be a better and more “godly” woman.
Some of my conversations have brought me to tears. Sometimes, I feel like I am talking to a robot when I try to explain myself. I say one thing and they regurgitate the same hurtful comments back to me as if I hadn’t spoken at all. I’ll pour my heart out about what this all means to me. What it feels like to have broken out of my shell, what it feels like to be the REAL me, and how this whole journey has not shattered my image of who I am as a woman but instead STRENGTHENED it, and how it has not shattered my relationship with God, but has GROWN it. But it’s not enough for some people. For them to believe that a gay woman (especially a “gay looking” woman) could actually have healthy self-esteem, a love for who she is, and actually be a Christian…is totally impossible for them to wrap their minds around. Seriously, it’s mind-blowingly impossible to convince some people that this combination can exist.
I’ve come to realize that some people don’t actually LISTEN at all. They already have their mind made up about who you are and why you look the way that you do…and no matter how many times you try to tell them the truth, they don’t actually hear it. They think they know you better than you know yourself. But they don’t. It’s a frustration that goes beyond the use of words. I know they love me and feel they are only trying to help. But to be so vulnerable and so raw and so eager for them to feel what you feel…and then they don’t. They don’t feel it. They don’t see it. So it feels like they don’t actually see or know you at all.
But it comes back to the analogy of the reptile shedding its old skin. If you don’t understand the process, you tend to take your uncomfortable feelings and turn it into ammo. Because the reptile is out of your realm of understanding…you label it as being gross, weird, and something to keep a distance with. When in reality, it was only doing what was totally natural and even necessary for its health. But try convincing this to someone who hates snakes…it’s not gonna be easy.
But I won’t budge. You see, I’ve already been in both sets of skin. I already know that one works and the other one does not. I’ve lived the discomfort and emptiness of trying to be someone I wasn’t…I’ve lived the life they want me to go back to…the one where the void inside of me goes unseen and swallows me from the inside out. But hey…at least THEY are comfortable. NO. I will live that way no longer. I do my best not to snap, but I won’t bend either. This is who I am.
I am a hat wearing, bowtie rocking, tomboy of a woman. And I am beautiful. I actually believe that now, and I stand my ground firmly against anyone who tries to convince me otherwise.
How are you with listening to your friends or family when they are trying to tell you something? Are you quick to speak, instead of listen? When you see someone who looks different…what is your reaction? What does that reaction tell you about yourself?